October 10th, 2005



Laptop-induced high has officially been annihilated by laptop-induced lack of sleep.

Recently I found myself in a depression that was only alleviated by what amounted to friends telling me they loved me anyway. That's just pathetic. I really thought I'd managed to excise that dependent crap from my personality, but apparently I have work still to do before I'm fully free. Apologies to the friends in question.

Back when I was utterly failing to meet anyone interesting on Geek2Geek (which has become a pay site, and is now therefore useless -- isn't paying for love the definition of "desperate loser"? Also "prostitution"?), Carol suggested that I might not be "ready to date again" yet. At the time, I half-jokingly chalked it up to egotism on her part, coupled with her bizarre refusal to believe that I really am that shallow.

Now, however, I think she was right: I was never ready to date to begin with. So long as being in a relationship remains a "need" (in the vernacular sense of "something without which I am unhappy", as opposed to the more strictly accurate sense of "something without which I am dead") rather than a want ("something which is nice, but I can do without), I will continue to go into them too quickly, become too clingy, and continue to pursue them long after they've ended. On some level, maybe, I rejected my dates because I recognized that dating was a stopgap measure, not a true solution.

So, two ways remain in which I still "need" other people (I've accepted the fact that there are some ways in which I truly need -- would die without -- other people, most of them to do with keeping the economy running and the grocery stores stocked). I must find strategies for purging this.

Note: It is not my goal to be a hermit, simply to be fully prepared if hermithood becomes necessary.
  • Current Music
    Everything -- that part of having my laptop is still cool


So, I'm seriously considering it, but I looked at the website, and saw "send us your novel in text format... we'll send you a certificate..." And the alarm bells begin to ring. I suddenly find myself wondering who these people are and where their profits are coming from. Am I about to be inundated with offers to buy a "NaNoWriMo Winners' Book" that will never actually materialize, or are they running a more original scam?

Anyway, I'm probably going to attempt it. I'm just not sending anything to anonymous Internet people (remember, there are only 12 actual people connected to the Internet; all the rest are just data artifacts). It's worth trying, at any rate.

Apologies for the previous post. I think I've been depressed lately. I can't for the life of me think why: nothing in my life has changed for the worse in a year or two.